Urethral Adventures, pt. 2 of 4
Tomorrow a 1:00 p.m. a surprisingly gentle Russian fellow will be sending a scope with a camera and a knife on the end of it through my urethra to open up a stricture (narrowing of the tube) below my bladder. Urethral strictures are usually caused by two things I have been fortunate not to have ever experienced: tramatic injury and STDs.
Whatever the cause, it apparently has been the source of the constant painful urination, incredibly slow stream, and occasional blood over the past 8 years. Luckily, I’ll be out cold for the whole procedure.
Unfortunately, I was not out cold when they discovered the stricture. Rather, a (again, surprisingly gentle and Russain) nurse gave me a shot in the end of my member. Boy that was an experience every man should have. Except for that time my brother pantsed me in front of the neighbor girl (who later became his wife) no woman has seen me naked except my wife. So there was that timidity to deal with as well, but I was pretty quickly distracted by the needle. She left the room, and I layed there in a sweaty panic. The pain was gone, but I just couldn’t get over the mental/emotional aspects of the whole experience. Then I did something really stupid. But I just couldn’t resist- I had to take a peek.
Wood family members will understand this best: remember when Mom would make grape juice? You know that clamp she would put on the end of the surgical tubing that came out of the juicer? Well… yes, there was one on me. That sent me back into sweaty panic mode again. When the doctor finally came into the room, he couldn’t figure out why I was so nervous. “We haven’t even started yet!” The good news is that the stricture was so obvious, that 30 seconds later it was all over.
Anyway, I’m quite anxious for things to be done. As my friend Jake said “dude- just think: it’s like you’ve been on dial-up for so many years and now you’re getting broadband!” We’ll see. First I have to hang out at home with a catheter for about 4 days. Just me and a bag of urine. I’ll let you all know how it goes… (go to part 3)